Where is my mind? What happened to living in the present? I was just starting to get really good at living in the present, enjoying each moment with the kids, finding joy in the little things, I learned to laugh at the tantrums, look past the messiness of the house...and then I got pregnant.
If you've ever miscarried in any, way, shape, or form, and then been pregnant again, you'll probably relate to how I'm feeling today.
I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant and I couldn't sleep for 2.5 hours last night because I was obsessed with the fact that I probably miscarried this baby. I even brought myself to tears because I convinced myself so thoroughly.
After all, when I went to bed last night I wasn't feeling sick. I didn't need to eat the Saltines that are on my nightstand. I wasn't woozy when I got up to walk to my bathroom for something. I didn't feel like I needed to pee every two hours in the night. There was that one time that Libby leaned on me with her elbow right on my womb and it sent a stabbing pain through me. I have a history of three other known miscarriages. When I found out I was pregnant, I'd wished I wasn't...if only for a moment. At 7.5 weeks, shouldn't I be getting sicker every day and not feeling better? Where did my hot flashes go? Why am I now perpetually cold?
In my mind, I am either too sick to think straight, or I'm not sick enough and I'm plagued with thoughts of despair. There's too much to think about.
Today, I simply must know that everything is okay...or that it's not okay and then I've got to move on, but I must know today because I am not present for anyone and I don't think it's possible for me to be present until I know. I've got to go see the midwife to hear the baby's heartbeat.
This is hard for me to put out there because it sounds so obsessive. I'm not comfortable exposing myself in this way.
I was emboldened after watching an Oprah show about mothers. Apparently there's not enough honesty about motherhood going around. They didn't even touch on pregnancy, so I thought I would. I hope you'll share what's on your mind too.
It felt good to listen to other mothers talk about the crazy things they do and feel as mothers, and how hard it is to be a mom. I felt validated and justified.
I know that, for me, what may come across to some as dishonesty is that I'm simply trying to be positive. I'm trying really hard not to only be obsessed about me and this baby right now. I mentioned before in "Fake It Till You Make It" that at least "faking it" during the rough time of pregnancy will make everyone around me happy.
Even President Monson told a story during General Conference about the man he knew who was on his death bed and yet was always smiling. Remember the man who was bringing Pres. Monson's garbage can back up the hill to his house when he was in a worse condition to do so than most others?
Just how does that relate to me right now? Was that man "faking it" so as to make everyone around him happy, or was it his natural disposition? Does the point of the story relate to me, right now?
I know this. I know that the scriptures are true, and they say that if you want to find yourself, you need to lose yourself in the service of others.
I know that President Monson is a prophet of God and that if I continue to heed his counsel, I will be happier than in any other way.
I know that I have a tendency to find answers to my questions from "the world." But not this time.
Well...I know I feel a lot better.
But just to make sure we're clear: We do want this baby. We want Baby #4 to be here on earth with us more than we want anything else. There's nothing that brings us more happiness than our family.
This will be us in early November (only we'll be at home and in my bed instead of the hospital...I hope:)