Monday, April 6, 2009

Where Is My Mind?

Where is my mind? What happened to living in the present? I was just starting to get really good at living in the present, enjoying each moment with the kids, finding joy in the little things, I learned to laugh at the tantrums, look past the messiness of the house...and then I got pregnant.

If you've ever miscarried in any, way, shape, or form, and then been pregnant again, you'll probably relate to how I'm feeling today.

I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant and I couldn't sleep for 2.5 hours last night because I was obsessed with the fact that I probably miscarried this baby. I even brought myself to tears because I convinced myself so thoroughly.

After all, when I went to bed last night I wasn't feeling sick. I didn't need to eat the Saltines that are on my nightstand. I wasn't woozy when I got up to walk to my bathroom for something. I didn't feel like I needed to pee every two hours in the night. There was that one time that Libby leaned on me with her elbow right on my womb and it sent a stabbing pain through me. I have a history of three other known miscarriages. When I found out I was pregnant, I'd wished I wasn't...if only for a moment. At 7.5 weeks, shouldn't I be getting sicker every day and not feeling better? Where did my hot flashes go? Why am I now perpetually cold?

In my mind, I am either too sick to think straight, or I'm not sick enough and I'm plagued with thoughts of despair. There's too much to think about.

Today, I simply must know that everything is okay...or that it's not okay and then I've got to move on, but I must know today because I am not present for anyone and I don't think it's possible for me to be present until I know. I've got to go see the midwife to hear the baby's heartbeat.

This is hard for me to put out there because it sounds so obsessive. I'm not comfortable exposing myself in this way.

I was emboldened after watching an Oprah show about mothers. Apparently there's not enough honesty about motherhood going around. They didn't even touch on pregnancy, so I thought I would. I hope you'll share what's on your mind too.

It felt good to listen to other mothers talk about the crazy things they do and feel as mothers, and how hard it is to be a mom. I felt validated and justified.

I know that, for me, what may come across to some as dishonesty is that I'm simply trying to be positive. I'm trying really hard not to only be obsessed about me and this baby right now. I mentioned before in "Fake It Till You Make It" that at least "faking it" during the rough time of pregnancy will make everyone around me happy.

Even President Monson told a story during General Conference about the man he knew who was on his death bed and yet was always smiling. Remember the man who was bringing Pres. Monson's garbage can back up the hill to his house when he was in a worse condition to do so than most others?

Just how does that relate to me right now? Was that man "faking it" so as to make everyone around him happy, or was it his natural disposition? Does the point of the story relate to me, right now?

I know this. I know that the scriptures are true, and they say that if you want to find yourself, you need to lose yourself in the service of others.

I know that President Monson is a prophet of God and that if I continue to heed his counsel, I will be happier than in any other way.

I know that I have a tendency to find answers to my questions from "the world." But not this time.

Well...I know I feel a lot better.

But just to make sure we're clear: We do want this baby. We want Baby #4 to be here on earth with us more than we want anything else. There's nothing that brings us more happiness than our family.

This will be us in early November (only we'll be at home and in my bed instead of the hospital...I hope:)


Judy Francisco said...

The scriptures also say 'Don't fear; just believe.' Come what may, just know that it can all be good... Breathe in faith; breathe out fear...

Mendy Loo Who said...

let us know what you find out. im sure everything is fine. not everyone is sick their entire pregnancy, you may be one of the lucky ones. :o)

Trish said...

I'm sorry you're going through such madness! I remember so well! I had only one miscarriage, but it made me constantly question my body's ability to carry my next two little ones to full term.
I'm sure a positive attitude can only help, but focusing on and worrying about yourself and your baby is probably one of the most natural human responses there is. Your mom is right, though. And she says it beautifully. You're so lucky to have her wisdom and insights.
Good luck with everything!

gardnerfam said...

I am so sorry you are having those thoughts. I was convinced that I wasn't pregnant so many times with Trevor. So much so when I went to the doctors once my blood pressure was through the roof and I couldn't even carry out a conversation with the nurse because I was so hysterical. So they told me I could come into the office every week if I wanted or 2 weeks just to ease my mind. It sure helped me continue on. Now that he is here I still keep worrying something is going to happen. I love your moms thought. Have the faith not the fear. That is what I need to do. I hope you are able to ease your mind. Miscarriages make things harder though, those thoughts seem to always be there. Keep us posted
love ya

Anaise said...

First I will say that Scott read this post yesterday when he was taking a study break. He came home and told me to read it. "It was really well-written and thoughtful," he said, "not panicky or disorderly at all."

Then I will add that I totally know how you feel. I am afraid through every single one of my pregnancies. I'm afraid to get pregnant, afraid to not get pregnant, afraid that I will miscarry, afraid that something will happen later. I hit 17 weeks today, and I spent a long time last night sure something was wrong because I rolled over on my belly, and didn't feel that cantaloupe lump in my pelvis that should be in the way--that WAS in the way last week.

I spent the night silently singing my personal faith mantra to calm myself.

I will add, remember when the first pregnancy before Libby (I think that was it) ended? --how you and Alex went to get flu shots and how you said you totally "forgot" you were pregnant? How you knew something was wrong because a pregnant woman is constantly conscious of being pregnant and the fact that you could forget, even for a moment, meant that something was really wrong? and you were right?

The other night, you never forgot. You were aware of what should be and hyper aware of how you felt. I'm thinking that means that all is well.

Are you ever super sick at not quite 8 weeks? I usually get my sickest sometime after 8 weeks. Maybe the worst is yet to come!

Please keep us all posted--we're holding our breath with you!

Our Family said...

I hope everything is okay, I am praying for you. I really loved the honesty of this post, and I also love it when other moms are honest about their trials and how they cope. Let us know.

KENNARDS said...

i can just say ditto to what your mom said. i miss judy. being 35 weeks now i still know that the only reason i'm still carrying this baby is b'cuz heavenly father wants me to. and i know that i'll only hold this baby if he wants me to. i do have faith that whatever happens in pregnancy/ life is only partially in my hands.
i'm sorry for your unease, but i have felt it each pregnancy- especially this one- even tho' i haven't miscarried. so i can only imagine how you feel.

The Forney Four said...

love you, cousin. I'm going through something similar right now... where we let that fear creep in and let it overtake too much. Please know I'm thinking of you. I hope everything is okay.

Liz in New York said...

Oh, I'm reading this now that I see the post right after that says everything is I have the benefit of perspective... I so wish we all could have that perspective the middle of the stress, trauma, drama, and angst that can be pregnancy. Seriously, I just hate it. You have all my empathy in the world.

I'm so so glad that all is well.

The picture here is absolutely priceless.